11 Reasons to NOT get married

4) If you’re getting married thinking you’ll never be lonely again, buckle up, because marriage is totally isolating!

I never felt so lonely as I did when I was married. Sure, I saw my husband every day, and we relished our time together, but things change when you get married.

You’re no longer a single girl who can go out, mingle and meet people, join organizations, or do whatever you please. You’re married. Now your husband is your family, and social norms dictate that family comes first. You are allowed, as a wife, to have some friends, but only when it is convenient. After work, before dinner, maybe you can meet for a coffee. Or maybe you can get lunch with your gal-pals while your husband is hitting a bucket of balls at the driving range. In other words, you can have friends during your free time, so long as that socializing never impinges on the time you’re supposed to be spending on or with your husband.

This is the model of the nuclear family, which is so cruelly isolating – separating us from friends and community. It is still considered improper for a wife to become heavily involved in unpaid community or political activities if it means too much time away from her family.

When you’re not married and just in a relationship, it’s the opposite model. Youcome first, along with your passions and activities. If a person fits in with your life, and it also works for them, then you can be together. While you both might make sacrifices and not hang out with friends as often as you would if you didn’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend, it is the norm to prioritize yourself, first and foremost.

Now, you might be thinking, “But at least being married means you get to have all the great sex you want with someone you love, right?” Well, actually…

5) The sex stops being good

Ask any woman who’s been married for over a year. I’m not exactly sure why the sex stops being good. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that your husband is legally entitled to you, sexually, in a state-sanctioned “conjugal relationship.” (This is a term that was used in Canadian Immigration documents when I was filling them out, and it skeeved me out every time I read it!) Maybe it’s because you are literally in a legal contract that says you can only have sex with this one person for the rest of your life… But it kind of sucks the romance and adventure out it.

And you’d better believe your husband expects sex. When was the last time you had sex? A week ago? You better do it soon! Suddenly you’re on this weird, obligatory sex schedule that extends before you for eternity, with no end in sight, save your death (or his).

Despite the stress and emotional, political, or psychological discomfort, wives still try to meet the demands of the sex schedule in order to make their husbands happy. The idea of “maintenance sex” is a universally uncontested thing, for example. An entire industry now exists in order to capitalize on this phenomenon and endless books, blogs, and magazine articles are dedicated to teaching women how to “get back in touch” with their sex drives. Women try desperately, through the self-help industry and, now, pharmaceutical prescriptions, to force themselves to find sex with their husbands appealing again and to live up to societally-dictated standards that decide what our “sex lives” should be. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration really did approve flibanserin, aka the “female viagra,” a drug that attempts to chemically alter women’s lack of “desire” for their male partner.

There’s something about just being in a relationship, but not married, that can make sex more appealing. Perhaps it’s because you’re not committed to a lifelong sex schedule and, for all you know, your relationship is just temporary – really, you can leave any time. Which brings me to my next point:

6) When you’re not married, you can leave your dude at any time

This is awesome if you think about it. If you don’t like your dude, you can just… leave. If he turns into a huge jerk, just leave. Or maybe you just aren’t feeling him, anymore. Maybe you have your eye on someone else. Maybe you met him when you were both studying Botany, but you’re not so into that plant science stuff anymore and you two don’t have much to talk about… You can just break up! Sure, it sucks to move out all your junk and find a new place to live (if you even lived together), but there are no complicated legalities like there are in a divorce.

When you can leave your dude at any time, the power dynamics are different. He can’t take you for granted as much as if you were his wife. You’re not his family, you’re not his mom, and you don’t belong to him for life. The two of you are more akin to roommates. You both do your thing, and it may last a really long time, but it might not. It depends on how your separate lives go and if you’re both still enjoying the arrangement.

Breaking up with a dude is great and easy. But when you want a marriage to end, it is another beast, entirely.

2 Comments

  1. Marriage is the root and reinforce system for the existence of private-ownership, including properties like money, houses, cars; and people like wife, husband, and children.

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